Vox Toddy

My new band, Matt Stache and the Public Option, is my first experience as the only frontman for a band. That is to say, in the past, I've shared the role as lead singer. As a result, I've been spending long practices as the only person singing and doing so with no relief.

We have a show this Friday at Bird's Aphrodisiac Oyster Shack, and I'm starting to feel a bit of scratchiness in my throat. I'm not sure if it's the crud that has been going around or whether I'm simply experiencing vocal fatigue, but I'm not experiencing any secondary symptoms.

What follows is my own recipe for vocal-chord-soothing tea. Use green tea if you're planning on staying awake for a bit, use chamomile if you're planning on sleeping within a few hours.

1 teabag of the desired tea
4oz. of hot water (not quite boiling, of course)
1oz. of coconut rum (NOT optional)
1 tsp. local honey
Zest and juice of 1/4 of a lemon

In an appropriately sized mug, combine rum, honey and lemon juice. Place the zest in a teaball and drop into mug with teabag. Add hot water, steep 3 minutes and enjoy.

My Band Dad offers this advice pre-stage. Despite what any classically trained vocalist will tell you, hot coffee and alcohol are not bad for your vocal chords before singing. For the perfect rock singer preparation, drink a hot cup of black coffee 30 minutes before stage and follow it up with a cold draft beer immediately before your performance.

The Mustache - Reactions

While I have received many shocked and dismayed reactions over the past few days to my announcement of my 'stache-removal, I've been certain to assure people that it is only for the good of my mustache to allow it a full regrowth and to spend some time apart from each other in the interim.

In anticipation of its removal, I have let the mustache grow to epic proportions. I went from sporting a subtle English-style mustache to a full-blown Salvador Dali-style 'stache. It is definitely a topic of conversation, good or bad.

What interests me most in people's reactions to my mustache are two negative reactions that befuddle me.

The first, I've heard many times, and I'm amused with only a slight twinge of dismay. "Wow! I'd love to grow a mustache like that, but my wife would never let me." or "I used to have a mustache, but my girlfriend made me shave it off."

My kneejerk response has always been to uncontrollably blurt out, "Perhaps you should get a new girlfriend/wife." The fact is the man or woman (depending on your preference) who is the right one for any given man or woman will be the one that accepts them completely as they are. I realize that relationships involve give and take and compromise, but one should seek out a mate that is compatible with one's eccentricities. That is why I always say that any woman who dates me must not simply "tolerate" my mustache, she must LOVE my mustache.

Tolerance and love are two different things. You tolerate a crying child, you love your mate.

I think I heard that on a sitcom.

The other negative mustache response I've received comes in various degrees and is sometime not negative at all. That is, occasionally, while shopping at Wal-Mart a group of kids, 'tweens, teens or other ruffians will pass by me and giggle. I don't consider that negative at all; I grew this mustache to be different and unique, and it is incredibly hypocritical to expect people to accept it and not giggle. In fact, giggling at my mustache is a fantastic response! I always smile to myself, knowing that I've brightened someone's day.

I've even caught people doing double-takes or coming back around an aisle conspicuously for another glance. I usually ignore them to allow them the the illusion that they are being sly and unnoticed. This happened several times last night.

When this turns negative is when it makes me feel like I'm in high school again and the target of abject undeserved ridicule. It's one thing to yell "Nice 'stache!" as I pass or something similar, but it's something entirely different to call out "Hey freak!" It's genuinely impolite. This happened last week at the mall, and I'm curious as to what the young man's reaction would have been had I turned around, strode up to him and said "Yes?"

The most extreme form of this happened last night at Wal-Mart. A group of teen girls in rather urban attire were hanging out between the checkout lines and the front door. As I was ringing up my grocies at the self-checkout, they were giggling and pointing at me in a "Look at that!"-manner rather than a "Hey! Nice 'stache!"-manner. As I passed, one of them broke from the pack and ran up behind me. Without saying a word at all to engage me socially, she stepped on the heel of my shoe and ran back to her group.

The only saving grace was that she missed my shoe so woefully that I was able to simply pretend I didn't notice and continue on my way. Had it been more noticeable, I'd have had to turn around and summon up some appropriate inquisitive reaction such as, "Seriously, what the fuck? Honestly, who steps on a shoe?"

The physical contact didn't necessarily upset me, but it confused me in an upsetting manner. Can you justify stepping on the heel of someone's shoe simply because they look different? Even if looking different is intentional and for the purpose of attracting attention, can you reason the need to physically contact that person in a negative manner? The guards at Buckingham Palace are rather stoic to all forms of verbal taunting, but if you honk their nose, they will beat the ever-loving-dogshit out of you.

I said all this simply to document it for entertainment purposes. Overwhelmingly, 99.9% of the comments my mustache draws are wonderfully positive and amusing. I am very much looking forward to re-growing my 'stache and enjoying the comments it draws in the future.

I'll leave you with this anecdote: A month ago, I walked into a tattoo and piercing shop to visit a friend and have a couple piercings done. The owner of the shop exclaimed, "Is that mustache real!? That is the CRAAAZZZIEST thing I've EVER seen!!!"

To which I replied, "Really? And what exactly is your basis of comparison?"

The Mustache - New Beginnings

The one thing I regret daily when looking in the mirror is that I did not have an opportunity to document the growth of my mustache. Lance often photographs or videos amusing or defining moments in my life, but he was busy fighting George's War while I was busy growing my 'stache.

The other thing I regret, perhaps weekly, is that I didn't have a clue what I was doing when I initially grew my mustache, and an ill-performed undercut left it somewhat irreparably asymmetrical in a manner only perceivable to myself and someone otherwise intimately familiar with my facial hair.

They say that if you love something, you should let it go. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be. As much as I hate speaking in cliches (I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a grapefruit spoon than use a cliche), this is what is the destiny of the 'stache. I'm not getting rid of it, per se, I'm merely letting it grow again to it's full potential. I will not be without 'stache, it will merely be hiding beneath the surface of my upper lip until it returns to it's full glory.

It should probably take two to three months before my mustache has reappeared in any recognizable form, and I'm sure there will be a couple weeks when it is too short to wax, but too long to leave unwaxed. Waxing it at this point will leave me looking like Peter Sellers in Dr. Strangelove (as Mandrake. Did you know he played Mandrake as well?).

The decided date for the trim is tomorrow morning after my Saturday evening festivities. I will be documenting the whole process and monologging unnecessarily throughout.

Grilled Chicken Leg Quarters

Barbecuing is an artform, but those of us with basic LP grills can't quite claim to be grill artists or cullinary masters of the flame. It's still good to know how to make decent grilled chicken easily.

The Scot in me comes out occasionally and I'm drawn to good deals. I found a great deal on a ten pound bag of chicken leg quarters the other day and threw them in my freezer. This is lesson one: separate those damn things before you freeze them -- especially if you intend on cooking them one at a time like a proper stag.

Chicken leg quarters are huge, intimidating to work with and have a bone or three in them. They are certainly not as easy to care and feed as chicken cutlets or even chicken breasts. I attempted to cook two immediately and managed to catch my grill on fire. A subsequent consultation with a co-worker cleared up my error.

To cook chicken leg quarters, do the following:

Marinate appropriately. Barbecue? Garlic and lime? Follow the instructions or make up your own instructions.

Fire up both sides of the grill until it is thermonuclearly hot (this is assuming you have a two-sided LP grill).

Turn off the left side, throw the quarters on the left side (leaving the right side on high), close the lid and wait 20 minutes. Flip the quarters, leaving them on the left side, grill for another 20 minutes with the lid down. Put the right side on low and transfer the quarters to that side for about ten minutes a side.

Those are the basic guidelines; work with the timing based on the variation of your grill. All in all, you're a grown person and should know how to tell when chicken is fully cooked. If you separate the leg from the thigh and still see pink or red or blood. Toss it back on the grill for a bit.

Green Tea Plum Wine Cooler

This recipe was half-created from a mythical world beverage that was once (and may periodically still be) available at EPCOT and half-created from a chilled version of a throat-soothing home remedy given me by the bassist of my former band Monte Carlo Method.

You'll need four green tea bags, honey, sugar, a bottle of Chinese plum wine, a bottle of coconut rum, water and ice. Hardware includes measuring implements, a tea kettle or appropriate saucepan, and a decent sized glass iced-tea pitcher.

First, how to make iced tea fast. In general, take your final vessel half-full with ice and water. If you intend on making 8 cups of tea, fill your pitcher with 8 cups of ice and water. This can be achieved by four times filling a two-cup measuring cup first with ice, then topping it off with water until the ice barely floats. Surprise! Two instant cups of ice water. Use twice as many tea bags per cup of boiling water, steep appropriately, sweeten and then add the hot double-strength, double-sweet tea to the ice water pitcher. The tea is cooled to roughly room temperature and may then be served over ice.

Using this formula to make the cooler, do the following.

Boil two cups of water, steep four green tea bags, adding two teaspoons of sugar and two teaspoons of honey (I use regional orange blossom honey). After steeping the tea, add to two cups of ice water in your pitcher. Add four cups of Chinese plum wine and one cup of coconut rum. Serve over ice.

Funny. It took longer to explain how to make sweet iced tea than it did to explain the cooler.

Beware, as with most tea, green tea contains caffeine. This is the reason I am awake at 12:45am writing a beverage blog.

Chilled Black Bean and Corn Salad

This is a recipe based on reverse-engineering one of my mother's recipes. It goes great with both Cuban, Mexican and faux-Island-style food. I made two pounds of beer-steamed shrimp yesterday and served them with this salad. It's quick and easy, and comes from cans for the most part.

Chilled Black Bean and Corn Salad
2 cans black beans
2 cans fiesta-style corn
2 cans Rotel mild diced tomatoes with lime juice and cilantro
half a chopped onion (or more.. or green onion if you prefer)

Use one-half cup of the dressing per the recipe above. The recipe for the dressing below does not come out to half a cup, so you may have some leftover. Whisk thoroughly to combine.

2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
4 tbsp basalmic vinegar
2 tbsp dijon mustard
1 tbsp cilantro paste (in the produce section!)
2 tbsp lime juice
garlic powder, salt and pepper to taste

To prepare the salad, drain all of the cans, put the contents into a collander and rinse thoroughly (this is very important!). Toss the ingredients into a big glass serving bowl, add dressing and chill in the fridge.

In Praise of Bacon

What most people would call a "health nut," but I prefer to think of myself as simply "healthy." In fact, those people who call me a "health nut," I prefer to call "obese."

This blog isn't a rant and rave about weightloss and healthy eating, but I preface it with two things. One, you can't get healthy and in shape if you're eating garbage. Period. And two, if you're not healthy and in shape, there is a 90% chance that it is entirely related to you eating too much garbage. Don't try to argue it, I know at least two people that have shed 70lbs. in less than a year, and one of them was myself.

On a lighter note though, bacon. Bacon, like other recreational drugs, should be used in extreme moderation, but when used can be a very, very handy thing. In the last year or so, I've tried to keep a bit of bacon (whether in strip or slab form) in the fridge at all times in case there was a need for a special weekend breakfast. If you know what you're doing, it's pretty hard to mess up a good plate of bacon and eggs (add some salsa or pasta sauce and you've got an extra exotic offering that perpetuates the illusion that you went to culinary school).

I like bacon. I don't love bacon. I would be hard pressed to ever say "Gosh, this sandwich, pizza, salad or cake needs some bacon on it," and I'm not the kind of person that wakes up on Saturday morning and makes twelve slices of bacon with which to plop down in front of the television, but bacon has a two-fold purpose.

Flavor. This is self explanatory, and a little bacon (if its good quality) goes a long way for adding flavor to cooking. I don't think I need to go on much further.

In addition to flavor, the second wonderful side-effect of bacon is lubrication. Bacon yields up the second best natural lubricant that I've ever encountered. I've never had an omelet stick to a pan after cooking up some bacon. I've made maddening fried eggs with bacon grease, and cooking spinach in bacon grease is divine.

But what do you do with the grease when you're done? Pour it down the sink!? NO!!!

I make it a habit to save half of my bacon grease before I throw anything else in the pan by pouring the excess into a little plastic container I keep in the fridge. This leftover bacon grease can be used to grill up the best grilled cheese sandwiches you've ever had. (Serve with tomato soup, please).

Now you know why I like bacon. An oft over-indulged and misunderstood vice. Meanwhile, I've got to get outside and get some exercise to burn off this bacon.