Whiskeyaki Meatballs

I am a firm believer that the crockpot is the bachelor's best friend in the kitchen. Right along side a decent cutting board and sharp French knife (forged please, not stamped) and a decent omelet pan (which can double to make grilled cheese), a crock pot is indispensible for making magical concoctions to amuse, nourish and inebriate your friends.

Rescuing Christmas Eve from the fire and brimstone of psuedo-Victorian Protestantism is my goal for this year. To do this, I am throwing a massive Christmas Eve dinner and cocktail party that will precede, intersect and blow right on through every church service from pre-dinner Presbyterianism, mid-meal fundamentalism through mid-night mass. My crowd-pleasing crockpot contents are the centerpiece of this ritual -- the least of which is not my "Whiskeyaki Meatballs."

My paternal grandfather once divulged very rapidly his recipe for scratch-made croutons before unsealing a bag of store-bought ready-made croutons. That is to say, all things are well and good if made from scratch, but sometimes only for the novelty of being able to say that you did it yourself. My grandfather was the sort that could even make wonton skins from scratch -- a feat that is impressive considering that even real Chinese people get their wonton skins from the produce section of their local mega-mart.

I say all this to say: the first ingredient is frozen meatballs. Get over it. I could make them from scratch, but I can also make wine, beer and thermite from scratch as well. It's simply easier to buy all of the above ready-made. The exception being thermite, I believe.

Whiskeyaki Meatballs
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2.5lbs of frozen meatballs
(2) 16oz. bottle of your favorite barbeque sauce
(2) 16oz. bottle of your favorite teriyaki sauce
2 cups (16oz.) plus 1.5oz. of decent Scotch whiskey divided

The recipe isn't so much the secret as the procedure. Set your crockpot for high, low, or whatever setting makes you comfortable and happy. Every crockpot I've ever owned has been flakey, and you know yours better than I do; besides, your meatballs are already fully cooked because you followed my instructions and bought frozen ready-made meatballs. The issue here is heating them up in sauce.

Decant, unsheath or otherwise spill the meatballs into the crock. Pour 1.5oz of Scotch over ice and top with a splash of soda. I'd tell you to drink it straight or on the rocks by itself, but you shouldn't be cooking with single-malt. Pour the entire contents of all four bottles of sauce into the crockpot and stir gently. Pour one half cup of Scotch into each of the four bottles, shake vigorously and pour the sauce-laden Scotch into the crock, cover and cook until hot and bubbling.

Meanwhile go drink your Scotch and soda.

For a nice touch, dice an onion into the whole thing.

The same procedure will be performed with cocktail sausages in a separate crockpot sans whiskey and teriyaki on Christmas Eve.